Escapade of Silent Soul

To be honest, I am not physically attracted with you; however you were so adorably cute that I want to hold you in my arms and snuggle into your chest. Kissing your cheeks and small lips will be fine, but not passionate one. I was sure that the last time I felt the same thing about a boy was almost five years ago. He was a 2 years senior whom I loved so madly it made me sick and suffocated. My love for him has changed my direction of living this life. I had the same feeling toward him, I loved him so much than anyone in my life, yet I did not able to touch him. In fact, I did not have the urge to do so even though I had a fat chance of doing so.

My Love, I’m feeling like dancing now while listening to this song, she says...”Color Me’, so I guess I will be happy to color you with my love. I am missing you so much, it hurts. Call me stupid, idiot, dreamy and whatever you like to name me but I am incapable to stop my feeling. Okay, let say, I have nothing to do in this university so literally I am fooling around library, Nescafe, reading some books, checking emails, chatting with good friends, attending invitations, cheering up my self, and the rest, constantly thinking about you. Don’t blame me; I have applied for some jobs but yet no reply. My parents call me almost everyday to ask how’s my clearance going to finish and when will I go back which they already aware of. I’m going for good on 18th of May. My Mom suggested me to advance my flight but My darling said the opposite thing. I need to enjoy few days more. My freedom. My privacy, The sweetness of independency and so much more.

I am thinking about you for everything. I saw you in the eyes of a child, on your country mates’ faces, in the library, in Nescafe, in classes, in Econs cafe, everywhere I go. And do you know where I mostly want to see you? Definitely in the Mosque. I met many of your country mates only to add pain in my heart coz you were not among them, you have gone. Forever. Well, you warned me once against the reluctantly controlled feeling, but I was so confident that all I had for you was a simple friendship. Yeah, eat that.

Do you happy to be with me?You’re not even pray five times, not smarter than me, you don’t have the capability of becoming a professional or whatsoever, your nationality is not promising nor saleable, you are totally a wreck for my sanity but still I love you. Don’t we love this stupid little thing called Love?I am writing this to let you know that I’m still thinking about you day and night and even though I haven’t got any news from you, I would still be waiting for you.You may not have any good news to be shares such as cool job, but I still want to hear from you. How your cheeks turn to red in the winter, how you stupidly stumbled into alcohol, how you reluctantly miss the prayers and how I hate you for doing so.

Oh Love, I pray to God to keep you safe from harm. I want to see you happy in this world and hereafter. Please pray for me so.I must stop here coz it’s 3.16 am already and I have to wake up early tomorrow to settle the clearance. Oh, Remember, I was in Bandung, in the car heading from the Natural Hot spring water in Ciater when I received your clearance news. How I was happy for you. You are such a pain in my arse when it comes on rule compliance .

My Love, I’m going mad of missing the flash on my hand phone when I switched the settings to “outdoor” mode so it would flash each time I received a sms, and it kept on flashing during those days. I don’t know whether my theory is true or not but I got the highest GPA during my time in this University for the last semester because I had a blast and a lifetime enjoyment during the final exams and thanks to you. So I may conclude that if you are happy, then you can study better. See how love works well with study. At least for me.

I love you , Love you from my heart that it turns me into a capable being. I had no confident to love someone after what I’ve been through but because of you, I knew I still had the nerve to falling for someone.You understand me more than anyone else and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t so demanding. I’m telling you this for the last time, No one will ever be able to appreciate you the way I do and I bet you will be sorry for letting me go so easily.

I love you with my own platonic insensible reason.

My Love,I haven’t hear any news from you lately and I’m just wondering if everything is fine with you (Most probably is :). I hope you won’t mind reading my usually-lengthy form of writing. It’s 2 am in the morning and as you might experience, I got infected with the infamous insomnia syndrome of ***.

Anyway, how’s life with you? I’ve been thinking about you constantly and I must have to tell you this. I mean, my feeling is no joke even though I am fully aware that it leads nowhere. I’m so capable of loving you more than I love my self and it’s surprised me. There are some options I must consider pertaining to our platonic relationship. First scenario is I am too obsessed with having someone to be called as significant other, a real lover and opposite sex best friend whom I can share lives ups and down without fear of being abandoned. Neither you nor I have the right word to express our innermost feeling. As for you it may be as simple as “friend”, but it’s not happening to me. Second scenario is I am in dire need of the object of my affection regardless reason of loving someone, I am determined to love someone and giving my heart either consciously or unconsciously to that particular person , and it happens to be you. I am sorry for all the extra miles I have added all this time to your confusion how bluntly a girl like me may end up telling a quiet boy whom strangely attached to my daily life for the past one month such a frantic truth of how she loves your companion and wishes she had more times to spend with you.The third scenario is I am so desperately seeking for a life companion which is not true.

Well MY Love you may end up telling me to just let go and forget everything ( like something special ever happened anyway?), it was in fact a once in life moment of 6 hours amazing moment in French Village. Maybe it was simply the cold temperature, the height, the obscure moon, the silence, and the right timing. Maybe there wasn’t something special besides having your arms around me. The tea was worse, and the chocolate I won’t even bother to ask for more. I was a bit hungry yes, but considering our pocket money as student, I must had been thankful for having you agreed on my long-way to go plan to spend one quiet night together. You were perfectly blend into the quietness and darkness of that place, as if you were destined to spend the rest of your life there while I was grasping for some one-night stand intimacy. I could not believe how we ended up holding each other arms.

Okay, it was started when I asked you politely “ may I hold your hands?”. It’s funny how a girl could ask such thing while you as the boy had a big fat opportunity to ask me such question with a definitely Yes or Nod answer. Well, shall we proceed with the details? Then we walked to the cafe for some drinks. It was cold indeed. We sat quietly and ordered a cup of hot tea and a mug of hot chocolate. I wanted to have a bite but I didn’t want to belittle you by paying the bills myself. Anyway, going Dutch was not such a good idea. I relentlessly talked about goofy unimportant things that I could barely remember, and you replied with short crisp sentence as you always did. I started to ask you questions while I was playing with your fingers. They were well groomed and clean. I love the way you took care of your self. Your favorite T shirts are plain Esprit in black, silver, gray, and green color. You loved Esprit so much.

Oh, Last Saturday I visited The Plaza only to find that Esprit Tshirt was less expensive I wanted to buy one for you as your early Bday gift or graduation gift. But few days before you’re leaving, you were so busy that I had to beg for a little time to see you. How amazingly I put the sentence of seeing you...in short, I changed my itinerary and paid 100 $ for that. I don’t mind.

I wonder why you were avoiding me in the last few days before you were leaving. Did you scared of your feeling toward me because you had told me once that we could not control feeling, and the last night before I left, you said that you wanted to be with me everyday. I buy your words but I have infamous experience of cooing with feeling that I simply put that aside and replied it dimly as if I was so cool. Dammit. Ok, where we were, Hmm..we sat for about one hour or less, then decided to take another walk , and this time magical things happened.

14 days after Her Hodza left this university and the country for good.The feeling and pain of missing him are excruciating in her heart. She did understand when he said they would never be more than friends and his bittersweet statement had sent her back from her dream.She has the capability to love someone so dearly more than she loves herself and no matter how hard she tries to let go her feeling toward someone, it is almost impossible for her not to fall in love with someone. She needs an object of affection so that she can freely express her feeling, loathe about things she hates most, talk about her dreams and share her innermost feeling without fear of being abandoned and rejected. She hates hypocrisy but still thinks it is somehow the best policy applicable throughout her life.To anticipate the infamous unrequited love phenomenon, she would say that her intention was purely friendship and not more than that.

She has been hurt too many times by her own betrayal and life’s own truth. She had to deal with some notorious facts of how love could be ended up so miserably cruel in hear early 20s and she continued live with hopes and dreams that one day she would meet her heart’s longing and find her sanctuary in someone’s soul.She falls in love so many times, with new guys on the blocks, her classmates, the Streetwalker, young man she barely knew, her chat friends, her lecturers, but she never particularly choose when and where she should fall in love with someone coz she knew nothing about how contradictive her life was . She grew up in middle class family in the east of capital city of the biggest Muslim population in the world. She found herself a solitude being with sparkling gifted talent such as Brain, beauty and bravery. She adores her family as her little treasure and never thought of leaving them behind for some other reasons than man whom she loved and her study.

My day went well and I'm happy about it.
I met some old gals , catched up missed-talks of the day, advised a sobbing young fella,
Hmm..

Had lunch with the boys..the singer was there accompanied with some ballistic super boys :P . I Met up with Mr. O and it was ended up with a gratitude rejection of my scholarship application which I considered to be Allright because I still afford it anyway and it was my fault for not following the rules in this Uni. Blah :P
Whatelse...
I got my salary..yippy but then I would have to use it for paying my tuition fees, My mum called me twice, My dad once in the evening and My Panda from the land of Bijan, unexpectedly rang me as usual..when I was in the library's toilet..what a perfect place to receive a call.
I went outside the library, sat on the bench, talked and laughed over shrek and donkey and meanwhile Miss. B and The big Blue eyes boy were chatting beside me...after sometime Z and T came with such a hush about taking photographs to be sent to T's sis in Turkey ..I was not clear about it...but anyway...Guess whom I met during the so-called Photography session...
Yeah..My Hodza's country mate, one of the pairs, the shortie specs-one, the nice one. He sat almost in front of me , and tried to throw some confusing jokes about terrorist attack and I tried to laugh..to be honest it was a miserable joke. He couldn't look at me in the eyes, and neither did I. Crap, but cute.
Anyway, My day went well and I'm happy for that. Except...I still havent got any news from Hodza...ah...My love..I hope you're doing allrite.